Why the "Holiday Spirit" is Actually a Major Trigger (And How I’m Healing My "Feral" Childhood) 🎄💔

Why the "Holiday Spirit" is Actually a Major Trigger (And How I’m Healing My "Feral" Childhood) 🎄💔 The air in the university library is thick with the scent of old paper and the muffled, annoying laughter of students who are already packing their bags for winter break, but all I can feel is a tightening in my throat that has nothing to do with the flu and everything to do with the fact that "home" is a concept I’ve had to invent from scratch.

There is a very specific type of silence that exists in a house after a door clicks shut for the last time, and for me, that silence started at age three when my father decided he was done with the whole "parenting" thing. It is a cold, clinical kind of abandonment that leaves a permanent draft in the room of your psyche. By the time I was five, my mother added to the collection of absences, kneeling down to kiss my forehead with a promise to return that turned out to be the ultimate gaslight. She never came back. I spent my formative years anchored only by my grandmother, and when she passed, the world effectively ran out of space for me. From age ten until I "aged out," I was a resident of an orphanage, a place where you learn very quickly that you are a number in a system rather than a person in a family.

Every single December, the "happy families" would descend upon the home like a well-meaning swarm, handing out dolls and plastic trucks as if a toy could fill the crater left by a missing parent. I didn't want the dolls. I wanted the hand-holding. I wanted the mundane, annoying "did you wear your coat?" phone calls that other kids took for granted. I realized recently, while watching a girl my age hold her father’s hand in the quad, that what I am carrying isn't just a "sad story" or a "difficult background." It is grief. Pure, unadulterated grief for a life that was supposed to be mine but never materialized.

The thing about this kind of loss is that it is totally invisible to the outside world. When someone dies, people bring over casseroles and send cards with embossed gold lettering. But no one sends flowers for the childhood you never got to have. No one acknowledges the "Gap," which is the massive, yawning distance between the safety you needed and the survival mode you were forced into. Growing up "feral" means you develop this jagged edge where you think if you don’t push for every single thing, you’ll end up with nothing. You become your own life raft, which sounds heroic in a LinkedIn post but is actually exhausting in real life. It makes relationships feel like a battlefield because you don’t know how to just be. You’re always waiting for the door to click shut again.

Even the wins feel different when you’re building from zero. I can pull a 4.0 GPA or land a massive internship, but the success feels flat. There is a hollow echo where the "I'm so proud of you" call should be. This is the reality of the "Invisible Loss." It’s a weight that can sink you if you let it, but I’ve decided to stop letting it. I’ve realized that this grief is actually a map. It points directly to the holes, and once you see the holes, you can start laying the bricks to fill them yourself. You stop being a victim of the past and start being the architect of the future.

My first step in this "safe-rant" journey of healing was to stop lying. I stopped telling people "I'm fine" when they asked about my holiday plans. Now, I name the loss. I say, "I didn't have a father who showed up, and that hurts." Naming it takes the power away from the "foggy" heaviness that used to follow me around like a dark cloud. Once it has a name, it’s a problem you can solve, not a ghost you have to fear. I’ve also started building my own structure. For someone who never had stability, a simple morning routine isn't just a habit, it’s a statement of self-governance. It’s a brick in the wall of a life that I control.

Breaking the isolation is the hardest part. My instinct is to go into "bunker mode" and hide when I’m sad. I used to think that showing up empty-handed emotionally meant I shouldn't show up at all. But I’ve learned that sitting with a friend for tea, even when I feel like a hollow shell, makes the grief easier to carry. You don't have to be "whole" to be worthy of company. And finally, I’ve learned to give the grief a boundary. I allow myself ten minutes of pure, raw mourning for the mom I didn't have. I feel the anger and the sadness fully. And then, I set the timer, wash my face, and go back to being a student with a future.

The moral of this whole situation is that the life I didn't have will always be a part of me, like a scar that aches when the weather changes. There will always be a sting when I see those "First Day of School" photos or family graduation dinners on my feed. But mourning that life is actually the start of my freedom. By accepting that those people failed their jobs, I stop waiting for them to show up and fix it. They aren't coming. And in that realization, I found my power. I am allowed to do the job now. I can be my own cheerleader. I can find a "chosen family" that actually stays. I am no longer just surviving the abandonment; I am thriving in spite of it. If you’re building your life from scratch too, just know that the foundation you build yourself is often much stronger than the one you’re given.

I’m sat here in this library, and the air doesn't feel quite so cold anymore. I’m not going "home" for the holidays, but I am staying with the person who has been there for me through everything -- myself. And honestly? That’s more than enough.

SOSMAI 2026: The Martial Arts Event Of The Year! 🥋🔥

SOSMAI 2026: The Martial Arts Event Of The Year! 🥋🔥 The martial arts world is currently vibrating with an energy that only comes once a year, and if you haven't felt the shift yet, you are definitely falling behind the curve.

There is something deeply visceral about the sound of a uniform snapping in a quiet gymnasium or the rhythmic clatter of rattan sticks during a heated Filipino Martial Arts exchange. If you are a martial artist, you know exactly what I am talking about, and if you are not, you are about to find out why the entire province of Ontario is currently losing its mind over the return of SOSMAI 2026. This isn't just another local tournament where everyone gets a plastic trophy and a pat on the back for showing up. This is the Southern Ontario Spring Martial Arts International, and it has evolved into a powerhouse of culture, discipline, and high-level competition that puts Cobourg on the map every single year.

I was recently invited to this event by my mentors, and let me tell you, the hype is reaching a fever pitch for a reason. When we talk about Grandmaster Jonathan Field, we are talking about a legend in the Canadian martial arts community who actually understands what athletes need. He is the owner of Cobourg Tae Kwon Do and has dedicated his life to creating environments where people don't just fight, they grow. The vision for SOSMAI has always been about more than just who can kick the highest or who has the fastest hands. It is about building a platform that is accessible to the kid who is nervous about their first yellow belt tournament while still providing a legitimate challenge for the black belt who has been training for two decades.

The sheer variety of divisions at SOSMAI 2026 is what really sets it apart from the sea of mediocre tournaments that usually populate the calendar. We are looking at traditional Forms and Weapons, which are always a masterclass in precision, but then things get spicy. They have Sparring, Breaking, and a heavy emphasis on Filipino Martial Arts Anyo and padded stick fighting. This inclusion of FMA is such a massive win for the community because it acknowledges the incredible diversity of martial styles that make Canada a global hub for combat arts. It is refreshing to see a tournament that doesn't just stick to the standard "karate tournament" mold but instead embraces the weapons-heavy, flow-based beauty of the Filipino systems.

Let's get real for a second about why you actually need to be there. We live in an era where everyone is chronically online, and real-world challenges are becoming rare. Grandmaster Field hit the nail on the head when he said that competition is one of the most powerful tools for building confidence and mental toughness. There is no "delete" button when you are standing on the mat facing an opponent. There is no algorithm to save you when you are trying to remember a complex weapons form under the gaze of a panel of judges. You have to show up, you have to be present, and you have to perform. That kind of pressure creates a version of yourself that is harder to break in everyday life. It is the ultimate "main character" moment, and SOSMAI provides the perfect stage for it.

The logistics of the event are also a major talking point. If you have ever been to a disorganized tournament where you sit around for eight hours only to compete for two minutes, you know the struggle. SOSMAI is famous for efficient scheduling, experienced officials, and a rule set that actually makes sense. They prioritize athlete safety and respect above all else, which makes it a family-friendly environment that doesn't lose its competitive edge. It is a rare balance to strike, but after years of refinement, the team in Cobourg has it down to a science. They have created a space where the atmosphere is supportive, yet the air is thick with the desire to win. It is the kind of environment where you walk in as a student and leave as a warrior, regardless of the results on the scorecards.

I also need to highlight the "safe-rant" aspect of this whole situation. People often think martial arts is just about the physical altercation, but it is so much deeper. It is about the community. When I look at the list of divisions, I see a roadmap for human development. You start with the basics, you learn to handle a weapon, you learn to manage your distance in sparring, and eventually, you become part of this global lineage of practitioners who understand that the real fight is always against your own limitations. Arabella Sveinsdottir and other leaders in the space are constantly talking about the importance of these gatherings because they remind us that we are part of something bigger than our own dojos.

The clock is ticking, though. Registration for SOSMAI 2026 is currently open, but it slams shut on April 5th. This is the part where you have to decide if you are a spectator or a participant in your own life. Are you going to be the person watching the highlight reels on YouTube, wishing you had the courage to sign up? Or are you going to be the one in the video, sweat on your brow, realizing that you are capable of so much more than you thought? The event takes place on Saturday, May 2nd, and the venue at 975 Elgin Street West in Cobourg is going to be absolutely electric. Whether you are coming from a Taekwondo background, a Karate school, or a specialized FMA group, there is a place for you in this lineup.

In a world that often feels chaotic and disconnected, SOSMAI 2026 is a reminder of what happens when people come together with a shared purpose. It is about the discipline of the martial way, the respect for our teachers, and the relentless pursuit of excellence. Grandmaster Jonathan Field and his team have built something truly special in Ontario, and missing out on it would be a massive mistake for anyone serious about their training. This is your invitation. This is your sign. The mats are waiting, the officials are ready, and the only thing missing is you. Make sure you head over to their website, get registered before the deadline, and prepare yourself for a day that will honestly probably change your perspective on what you can achieve.

The Southern Ontario Spring Martial Arts International isn't just a tournament, it is a statement. It says that martial arts in Canada is thriving, it is diverse, and it is more relevant than ever. I cannot wait to see the level of talent that shows up this year. Between the breaking divisions and the high-speed sparring, the energy is going to be off the charts. I’ll be there, my mentors will be there, and the entire community will be watching. Don't just hear about it later, be the reason people are talking.

The deadline is April 5th. After that, you’re just a fan. See you on the mats, or see you from the bleachers. The choice is yours.